The Local Church

Having it All, but Empty

When I was a young girl I lived in kind of a dream world. I was brought up in a very wealthy family and never had to ask for anything. Everything was there for me before I could even think I wanted it. So, I never cared about the things I had. I took everything for granted.

My parents were good people, but I never heard any talk about God. And my friends never talked about God. But I always knew there was a God--He was “up there” and I was “down here”. My life was a life of having fun, being popular, having more dates than anyone else, wearing the latest fashion, being happy, going to the most parties, never studying, going to the beach and getting a good tan. I didn't need to help my parents because we always had maids so I had no responsibilities.

I had everything money could buy plus good looks, but I wasn't happy and I felt so lonely! “Why am I living?” Everything seemed so pointless. I was becoming more and more depressed so my parents changed me to another college--A Catholic college! My roommate started talking to me about God and the Catholic religion. I was so empty inside, (but I didn't know it) that I started to get interested in God. So we talked a lot about God and I wanted to know everything about the Catholic religion, because this was supposed to be “the true religion.” Finally I had found something I could count on!

A girl at school introduced me to her brother, who fell madly in love with me and this “in love thing” started all over again. (forget God, be in love!) So we got married and I was going to live happily ever after with someone who promised me he was going to give me the sun, moon and stars and spend his life making me happy. What a deal! Also, to make him happy, I became a Catholic. I had it all! Love and religion!!

After nine pregnancies and six children, I was really in a deep depression. My husband would scream at me, “Shape up!! You've got everything! What's wrong with you?” He was always right, so what was wrong with me? I stopped praying and saying the rosary and started thinking “There is no God. If there is, He's dead.” I really thought God was dead!!

My life was a total, complete mess. I divorced my husband and began to drink and take pills. It didn't take long to “hit bottom”. Sitting all alone one night, I cried out softly three words “God, help me!” I hadn't thought about God for years. Where did that come from? I didn't really expect an answer.

With just that little opening to Him the Lord did answer my prayer, but not right away. He let me go a little deeper in the dark, gloomy pit.

I eventually joined AA and was reminded of a “higher power”.

I went into a rehab center to go through withdrawal and learn a new way of living. From there, I moved to a halfway house.

The housemother there was a very godly, warm and caring woman. The Lord knew exactly what I needed. I remember her telling me whenever I became lonely, scared, or anxious to turn everything over to Him, and I might have to do that every half hour or more. And she told me “to surrender is to win so just keep surrendering to Him.” I listened carefully to every word she spoke to me. I knew she genuinely cared for me. I felt secure. I know now this was God speaking through her.

I left there to live in a bright cheerful apartment. The Lord had become so real to me. I could feel His presence every day. His Word became living and real to me. I was on a honeymoon with the Lord!

This was the real love I had been searching for!! After five years of this, things began to dry up. So I started going to different denominations. It was all so dead. Dead, dead, dead! What was happening? One night I remember crying out to Him, “Lord, where are you? “

By this time three of my girls had come back to live with me. My one daughter was really seeking the Lord with me. The Lord led me to a job as a waitress. I had never done anything like that before but I knew I had to go there. Six weeks later a sister in Christ from the local church in Chicago came to work there. Later she told me the Lord had led her to this place. She brought my daughter and me to a meeting. Everyone was calling on the Lord. We called on the Lord all the next day. I was so happy. Three months later I remember thinking, “The Lord's Body is really here, now on this earth, not in the `sweet bye and bye' this is it!” And 22 years later, I still say, “This is it!”

I see now the years of my youth were wasted in trying to create my own happiness and live life my way. Psalm 73:32 says “So foolish was I, and ignorant, I was as a beast before Thee.” I can look back now and see that the Lord allowed me to go through many painful experiences because He loves me. Today I don't have a big house, the latest fashion, a great tan, a happy marriage, loads of money, popularity, good looks etc., but I have Him and He will never leave me!